


Magic Bullshit

by LadyRachael



Category: Fullmetal Alchemist - All Media Types, Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Albus Dumbledore Bashing, Crack, Ed Swears, Gen, Portraits
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-25
Updated: 2021-01-25
Packaged: 2021-03-10 04:07:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,980
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27778108
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LadyRachael/pseuds/LadyRachael
Summary: Truth decides to meddle a little more and sends Edward (and Al's soul) to another world. Edward is displeased, and still missing two limbs. Truth did stop the bleeding, though! The Elrics can return, whole, if they send Truth all the pieces of a sundered soul. Good luck!
Relationships: Albus Dumbledore & Regret, Alphonse Elric & Edward Elric, Edward Elric & Chaos
Comments: 16
Kudos: 45
Collections: Secret Snipers Exchange 2020





	Magic Bullshit

**Author's Note:**

  * For [JaredWhy](https://archiveofourown.org/users/JaredWhy/gifts).



> This has elements of Metisket's "Trust Me, I'm an Alchemist", which is much better than this. You should read it, if you haven't. A tip of my imaginary hat to presumenothing on tumblr and their AI Alphonse. Also, large portions of credit/blame go to the Snipers' Discord server and their virulently contagious creativity and support. I have been blessed to be assimilated.
> 
> Also, my thanks to Quae for their help with beta reading this fic.

The endless void of white made his eyeballs ache. Ed spared a thought to understand what they meant by snow blindness as he crawled toward the grinning light that stole his leg. Truth his ass. It may be in charge of this place, but he refused to call it god. Truth grinned wider.

"Back so soon, Mr. Al-chem-ist? Something else you wanted? I warn you, there's not enough of you left to buy your mother, and it already cost your brother's body." The joined murmur of Truth's sing-song voice mocked him as he crawled over. 

In this place, he wasn't actually bleeding but the pain was constant. Gold eyes as hard and cold as metal glared Truth right in the teeth. "Give me back my brother, you bastard! This isn't his fault, he shouldn't have paid more than me! How the fuck is this anything like equivalent exchange?"

Truth's smile dimmed, "You would exchange payments with your brother? Even if I took the rest of your limbs? Your voice? All your senses?"

"YES! I don't care what it costs, just give me back my brother, whole again!" Ed screamed, unnoticed tears tracing down his face.

Truth frowned. Their joined voices sounded considering, "Your world is about to enter a time of turmoil. Your presence would help many, but I can't allow so many sacrifices to wander around. . . Very well. Your dominant arm for the soul of your brother, in a form you can see and speak with, but never touch. Seven years of service, seven parts of a sundered soul, for you and your brother returned here whole. Human transmutation is a sin against this place, but send the broken parts to me and I'll tell you what you need for the next part through your brother."

"How will Al know?" Ed asked.

"Easily enough, his body stays here with me as collateral." Truth grinned again and flourished an empty hand behind him. 

Ed turned to see another door, Al's body sitting in front of it. His face turned, smiled, "I'll be waiting here for my soul." said Al's voice as Ed's arm dissolved, throwing his balance off. Black arms from the gate pulled him away before he could fall. As the Gate closed, he heard Truth's mocking voices say "Have fun in Wizarding Britain! Enjoy your parting gift!"

Everything d i s s o l v e d. 

Somehow there was a long wait in the absence of time. The feeling that worlds of distance and change had passed in the near eternal second. There was light again.

Ed squinted until the brightness resolved itself to a candle lit room. He was sprawled in a heavily upholstered chair, leaning against the back, his one arm and leg curled close. He was no longer bleeding.

He knew the smells of old dust and parchment, good tallow and lamp oil, but the herbs and near tobacco smell were unfamiliar. 

"Al? AL! Alphonse! Where are you? Damnit, Truth promised I'd see you! AL!" Ed tipped out of the chair in his frantic attempt to look around. This place was wholly unknown to him, but it definitely looked like a wizard's study.

A soft voice sounded as though from a great distance "Brother?"

Ed used the arm of the chair to haul himself upright, searching desperately, "Al! I hear you, come closer, I can't see you! I'm here Al!"

The voice came closer, "Brother, I don't know this place. I'm in a field? By a forest, there's a castle nearby, and a person sleeping in a chair."

Ed shook his head, "Castle? I'm in some sort of study or office. Can you wake the person in the chair, ask for directions?"

"Oh, I see you! It's like looking in a window to another place. I wonder how this works? Up here brother, on the wall!" Al waved from a portrait above his head.

"Al, you're a painting? Why can you move and talk if you're a painting?" Ed asked incredulously.

The man next to Al cracked an eye open and growled, "Would you children please SHUT UP? I and the other Headmasters are trying to sleep." A woman farther up the wall huffed, and the man amended, "and Headmistresses, of course. You children shouldn't be in here anyway."

A voice from behind him said, "I, myself, was wondering how an unknown portrait and half a child ended up in my office at this hour." Ed braced himself against the chair to look over. That was definitely a wizard in a nightcap.

"Brother! Your leg, your ARM!" Whispered Al.

"It's fine. You're worth it. Don't worry, Al." Gold eyes narrowed at the wizard. "I know why I'm here, but I don't know where 'here' is. The one who sent me demanded 'seven years of service, seven parts of a sundered soul' Ah. You know what that means, old man."

The wizard sat at his desk, seeming to age even more in a moment. (Which was impressive, since he looked like Father Time's eccentric gay cousin.) He pulled at his beard, murmuring, "I had hoped, but alas." Strange half images flickered across the desk, shining over parchment and mysterious clutter, before coalescing into light in a glass vial. He peered at Ed over his half moon spectacles, "Say something again, child."

Ed crossed his arm over his chest belligerently, "Like fuck I will."  
Al scolded, "Brother!" From the painting. Ed half shrugged.

"You're not speaking English, neither of you, nor any language I know, yet I understand you completely. Maybe slight Germanic influence, but not something I've heard before. Fascinating. I am Albus Dumbledore, Headmaster of Hogwards. Where are you two from? Or when?"

"What the fuck is an english? Or a Hogwarts? Are we inside a pig now? What do you mean, 'when?' It's 1911, we're from Amestris. WHAT IS THAT?" Ed shouted the last when he saw a bird made of fire seemingly asleep on a perch. It cracked one ice blue eye open before tucking its head under a wing.

"Oh, Fawkes? He's a phoenix. It is not 1911 here. It is 1990. I think you are far from your world. Please, tell me your names?"

Ed was still gaping at the phoenix, so Al answered, "We're Edward and Alphonse Elric. Ed is my older brother, he's eleven. We are alchemists from Amestris. I'm not sure why I'm inside a painting, but anything is better than that white place."

Ed turned his face to Al and whispered, "You remember?"

Al nodded as painted tears fell. Ed made a slow circuit of the room, holding himself up with various pieces of furniture, until he was in front of Al's painting. He leaned his face against the wall, dampening the plaster, stretched fingers barely touching the edge of his frame. Al was crouched at the bottom, hand flat against the canvas.

"I hate this, Al. This is better than losing you forever, but I wish I could hold you." Ed breathed against the wall.

"Me too, brother." Al replied as softly. 

Dumbledore cleared his throat, "I have often lamented that facet of the moving paintings, that our dearly departed are but limited impressions of the people they once were."

Ed whirled so his back was against the wall, "YOU THINK HE'S FUCKING DEAD?! HE'S NOT DEAD, HE'S STUCK IN A FUCKING PAINTING!"

Dumbledore tried to speak reassuringly, "The portrait process is complex magic, but I assure you, it's not a prison. Your brother's soul is as free as it ever was, the impression left in paint may not grow or learn, but it never suffers either."

Ed hurled a trinket at the old bastard, which shattered beautifully when he ducked, "HE'S NOT AN IMPRESSION YOU WRINKLY, SENILE, COLORBLIND FASHION DISASTER. THAT IS MY BROTHER TRAPPED IN CANVAS. HIS ACTUAL SOUL. AND I AM GOING TO FULFILL TRUTH'S FUCKING ORDERS AND THEN FUCK RIGHT OFF WITH MY REAL, ACTUALLY ALIVE BROTHER." 

Ed paused for breath in time for Al to speak up, "Sir, he's actually right. This is my actual soul, I know where we left my body, but we have to fulfill Truth's terms to get it back. What do you know about the 'sundered soul?' And what do we do for seven years?"

Dumbledore looked sorrowful for a moment, "the sundered soul is of the blackest, most evil magic ever to exist. I will not speak of it at this time." The Elrics stared incredulously at him until he perked up, "Fortuitously, schooling at Hogwarts takes exactly seven years. You can be learning magic while you determine what this Truth requires of you."

"Fucking what magic bullshit are you talking about, old man?" Ed demanded. "We're alchemists, not fucking wizards."

"Alchemy is a subset of magic. I have some experience in that myself. In the side table on your left there should be some chalk if you'd be willing to show me. Now where did I put that cinnabar?" Dumbledore looked up as blue light flooded his office. He stared at the perfect circle the boy had drawn one handed, while in the center, the floorboards formed a detailed fist, flipping him off. He slowly closed his desk drawer. "Ah," he said faintly, "That's... not exactly how we do it."

Ed glared at him, "What? Not impressive enough for the all powerful wizards? Fine!" Ed snarled and slammed his hand back to the circle, and the fist melted away, leaving slightly buckled wood behind. "Fucking wizards. Al's always been better at details anyway." He muttered as his hand brushed away the chalk symbols, leaving only dusty floor. Ed turned his back as his shoulders began to shake silently. 

Dumbledore grew a brain cell for a moment and realized that he had one and a half highly traumatized extra planar children with entirely unknown alchemy, and summoned Madam Pomfrey. Once she was gone, he began scheming again. Godspeed, you poor lonely brain cell.

She carried the now silent Edward to the hospital wing as Al flitted along the paintings, finally settling in a pastoral garden above Ed's nightstand. When she checked on them during the night, she found Edward and Alphonse asleep with their hands mirrored on the canvas, as though they were trying to touch through glass.

The next morning, Ed woke to hear, "Why didn't you try the Skelegro last night?"

Madam Pomfrey replied briskly, "Headmaster Dumbledore! I can't give a child potions without consent! Besides, you say they may have traveled both dimensions and time, we don't know their physiological differences, if any."

Ed spoke from behind the curtain, "Ma'am, I appreciate you respecting my bodily autonomy enough to not drug me in my sleep. Nice to find a responsible adult." 

Madam Pomfrey and Dumbledore stepped around the curtain. He glared at Dumbledore, "She's right that I wouldn't willingly take something called 'Skelegro'. Something with bones in, is it?"

Madam Pomfrey bustled over to help him sit up. A flick of her wand showed breathing, heart rate and temperature at standard for Britain. She conjured a lap table and levitated a bowl of porridge and a cup of tea from the cart he could see behind her. "No pain anywhere, dear? Have another pillow." She summoned an extra pillow from the supply cupboard and propped it behind him. "Now. Skelegro actually regrows bones. Not flesh, but there's a companion potion for that. At lower dosages, it can also mend bones if aligned properly. You'll learn what's in it eventually in Potions class."

Ed gave her half a grin, "Yeah, no. It won't work."

Dumbledore blustered behind them. Pomfrey patted his shin absently, "Were they cursed wounds? Sometimes we can nullify the dark magic, making healing possible. Just a moment, we have a blood test for un-healable wounds." She walked around the curtain to get supplies. 

Dumbledore leveled a look of disappointment at Ed, and failed his intimidation check. "Madam Pomfrey is a certified healer. You should listen better to your elders." 

Ed raised an eyebrow. "She seems competent and professional. I'll probably give her less trouble than you."

When Pomfrey returned, she nudged Dumbledore aside with her hip, holding out a silver blade to Ed. "Hey, wow, nice knife. Can I keep it after?" Ed held the blade like a person accustomed to knife work, sending a thread of unease in Dumbledore. He remembered another angry child who held everything like a potential weapon.

Madam Pomfrey smiled, "No dear. Just prick your shoulder above the scar and your thigh the same. A drop from each into one of these vials." She handed him two open vials with leaf green potion in the bottom. It was a little awkward, nicking himself one handed, then using each vial. He handed Madam Pomfrey the test vials back. "There now, brave lad." Al snickered from behind Ed's shoulder and Ed flipped him off. She swirled them gently in one hand, "A moment to mix. It turns black for curses, green for possible healing. Just about ready." She held the vials still as the color lightened.

Dumbledore interjected as the color changed, "You see, listen -" and the vials began to glow incandescent white. Pomfrey dropped them to the floor. Brighter and brighter, like a hole into the sun, until with a crackle of shattered glass, they melted to solid lumps and faded.

Madam Pomfrey blinked rapidly, "Well," she said softly, "that was an unexpected result. Any idea what that was about?" She looked to the Elrics, who met her gaze flatly. Dumbledore was still seeing spots.

Al spoke from his frame, "It's not a curse, more like... a geas."

"What do those evil birds have to do with anything?" Ed asked.

"Brother, no. A geas is like a prophesied quest. Not geese, like Mrs. Miller's that chased you up a tree that one time."

"Prophecy can go fuck itself, and so can Mrs. Miller's geese. It's not a fucking quest, it's a toll. Truth won't let me get around paying without doing what they ask. What are my prosthetics options?"

Pomfrey shrugged despondently, "For legs, mostly peg legs. We're getting some motion out of arms, but they're terribly expensive, each piece has to be charmed separately. One of my former apprentices is trying the same with legs but they're probably a few years out."

Ed looked at her in horror, "No automail at all? What have you all been doing with your magic? Amestris has had automail for 30 years, functional as the lost limbs and wired to the nerves. There are multiple types!"

Dumbledore scoffed, "Even the muggles can't manage that with their electricity."

Ed bit his lip and raised an eyebrow, "Can I ask one? We grew up with the neighbors being automail mechanics and doctors. I know some basics." This wizard didn't seem like someone who was interested in what the normal people had to say.

"Maybe another time," Dumbledore lied, "we need to fit you for what we can so at least you're mobile. I think you should meet up with Hagrid in Diagon Alley. I believe you're here to help young Harry Potter, the Chosen One."

"That absolutely sounds like something I'd get stuck with. Fine. Let's get this fucking over with." Ed lay back with poor grace.

Later, after he was fitted with a peg and a barely functional arm, he leaned on the crutch he was given and spoke to Al's frame. "I hate this so much. I look like a Dickensian protagonist begging for scraps. I don't want to go out without you. There's got to be something better than here right? World of Magic and shit."

Dumbledore cleared his throat behind him, "To that end, young Edward, I charmed a pendant frame so that young Alphonse could be carried with you. The magic should hold a full day, but then it will have to be recharged at Hogwarts."

Ed inclined his head as he took it, "That's some Cinderella bullshit right there, but thanks. I hate you slightly less now." He held the pendant on its blue ribbon toward Al. "Can we change the color? Black's more my thing."

He tied it around his neck as Al spoke from his chest, "Really, Brother? Now's not the time to quibble about your aesthetic."

Ed patted the frame, "Yeah, but black's cooler. I'm happy you're with me Al, in any color."

Dumbledore waved his wand and the ribbon turned black. Ed plucked at it, pleased, "Another point to you, I suppose."

Madam Pomfrey and Ed waited a short time at the Leaky Cauldron. A scruffy boy in massively oversized clothes snuck in and Ed thought 'Shit, that kid looks worse than me. Bet that's the one.' And all thought abandoned him as a large man shouldered through the door and straightened up, and up, and up. His mood soured further as he felt even shorter in comparison to this actual giant.

Hagrid shook a piece of duckweed out of his umbrella and Pomfrey waved him over before he could speak. "Hagrid, this is Edward Elric. He's a new student from a very long way away." She gave Harry an assessing glance and a kind smile as he half hid. She pointed her finger sharply at Hagrid, who had been looking pleadingly at the bartender, "Both of these boys need absolutely everything. I don't want to hear you getting the cheap, premade kit. EVERYTHING." She pulled a key from around her neck. "I have the hardship key already for Edward, it'll stretch for the other, too. If I hear you abandoned these boys to get drunk, you'll be tasting potions at every meal. Be told. I have to return to Hogwarts now, there's tasks yet to do." She slapped the key hard enough to his palm to sting and stormed out.

Hagrid bulled quickly through the crowd, towing Harry and Ed in his wake. He kept the chatter to a minimum, still cowed by Madam Pomfrey. The alley opened before them and both boys caught their breath. Half hidden on Ed's chest, Al stared in wonder. "It's utterly mad," whispered Ed.

Hagrid smiled at him, "Yeah, it's often like that, youngins. I remember my first time here, twere just like that." He clutched his pink umbrella in a massive fist, before shaking his head. "Anyway, on to Gringotts, me list just tripled in size. I'd carry ye if I didn't think you'd object and it would cause a panic. Faster, ye know."

Ed thought about it as they hurried along, trying to imagine this behemoth of a man hauling two boys through the alley like sacks of potatoes. Probably undignified but maybe fun. Could he carry one on each shoulder? Good vantage point. He resolved to ask later. 

"I can feel you having bad ideas up there. Brother, no." Al said from his frame.

Ed held the frame up in his flesh hand as he hobbled forward, "Brother yes. Oooh." He was distracted by a sign for "Artifice Alley." He pointed it out to Al, "Later, I want to go there." Al nodded.

Finally they reached the front of Gringotts Bank. Ed privately thought that they must use magic to hold everything up, otherwise the whole place would be heaps of crumbling stone. From the side, Harry whispered, "Do wizards not have levels?" And they all snickered softly. 

Hagrid waved expansively at the marble facade. "Gringotts Bank. Run by Goblins, a warrior race. Can't nobody guard your treasure better than them, 'cept dragons. Don't steal, don't argue, and never lie to a Goblin lest you want yer head on a pike," he said as they walked through the doors. One of the guards nodded at them and they bowed back.

They waited in line for a free teller and the boys looked around as Hagrid turned out his pockets for the keys. He eventually found them and handed them over. The goblin carefully examined the keys and peered down his nose at the boys before folding the keys in his too long fingers. 

"You may retrieve the package. The boys will come with me. If you finish before they do, you may wait in the lobby. Refreshment may be purchased for a sickle, special dietary needs extra."

"But Dumbledore said-" protested Hagrid.

The goblin came down from his podium and hurried away, "Follow or leave, I care not. The one boy has never held his key, and despite frequent withdrawal for his care, has seen barely a knut per galleon. Something is irregular. The other is not from here, all extra-planar visitors must be interviewed. This is law."

Hagrid drooped sadly after the other runner and disappeared around a corner.

The boys hurried to keep up. "You can tell I'm from another world?" Ed asked as Al stayed still and silent, watching. Harry glanced sharply at him.

"We were too, once. Long ago." The goblin ran his fingers in a complicated pattern on the carvings of a giant door, before laying his hand flat and abruptly removing it. Ed thought he saw a flash of silver but it disappeared too quickly to tell. The goblin spoke again, "Answer all questions as best you can. Do not lie to the Director, and you will leave as you arrived. I'll send a runner for money pouches suitable for your school shopping." He waved them through the doors and closed them behind himself. 

The cavernous hall put Harry in mind of a snatch of music he had heard one year on a field trip to the symphony. Dudley had broken out in spots that morning, so Petunia had kept him home to care for him. The music teacher was new, so he figured one permission was as good as another and let him go. He hummed it under his breath, "In the Hall of the Mountain King". Too bad he had caught the chicken pox when he got home. That was a miserable two weeks in his cupboard and he still showed the scars when he caught fever. The new teacher was gone when he came back.

Ed was admiring the weapons that studded the walls, war trophies, from the damage. He bet they had great stories attached.

"They do indeed, young humans." The gnarled figure on the throne spoke, standing as they approached. 

"Shit, did I say that out loud?" Ed whispered and clapped his hand over his mouth.

The goblin laughed like rock being crushed. "Youth, so impetuous. Come closer, younglings. Sit." 

They fell onto the low stools in front of the dias and looked up at the throne where the goblin was once again seated.

"Sir?" Harry tried, looked at the hair and the curve of the plate mail, "Ma'am? I'm very sorry, I'm not sure of the proper form of address." He blushed.

"Director Ragnok will be sufficient. Or just Director. We Goblins are less worried about gender than strength of will. We have all genders on the floor at all times. After all, we're not from around here." The Director pointed a dagger-like talon at Edward, "And neither, I think, are you, or the soul above your heart. Yes, we can see you. In our realm, you shine. Why are you here, traveller?"

Ed sighed and leaned slightly forward, Al spoke from his frame, "We're on a mission from god." 

Ed facepalmed and then held up the pendant "Not. Helping. Al. Ignore my little brother, he's being a little shit." 

Ed took a deep breath and continued, "Edward and Alphonse Elric. We're alchemists from Amestris, which you probably never heard of. Apparently they do alchemy differently here. We were doing something forbidden, it doesn't matter what, when we ended up in Truth's domain, in front of the Gate. My toll was the leg, Al's was his whole body. I couldn't leave him there, he's my brother, so I did it again. Truth took the arm, told me some bullshit 'seven years of service, parts of a sundered soul' blah, blah, blah. New deal, new world, I wake up in that Dumbledore guy's office and Al's a talking painting." 

He jabbed a thumb in Harry's direction, who looked confused, "They give me these sub par excuses for prosthetics and tell me this guy is part of my job. No offense, kid, but you seem like a lot of work. The teller who brought us said he hasn't seen a nut out of every gallon, which if those are money seems like it's vastly overstating it. My brother and I dropped out of school when I was 8 and we were one bad winter from being raised by wolves and we never dressed that badly. Those are not his clothes. Hagrid could probably wear them better. Sorry kid."

"They're my cousin's." Harry whispered, curling small. Ed patted him awkwardly on the back.

The Director leaned forward, "We will come back to young Harry. Edward. You say you're an alchemist. Can you turn lead into gold?"

Ed shrugged, "You're asking if I can subtract 3 from 82. Of course. It's not actually allowed, the military gets all shirty about it, that's a good way to get conscripted, but yeah. You got a bit of lead and some chalk? A flat surface I can use?"

The Director waved a hand and a guard came forward out of the shadows with a piece of lead and two lumps of chalk. They gestured silently at a flat slab of slate below the dias.

"Cool trick," Ed said absently as he drew the circle.

"No one ever sees the guards unless they need to, and that is usually briefly." The Director may have sounded smug, it was hard to tell. "Your symbols are different than the ones in this world. Do you need nothing else? Alchemy here generally requires potions and expensive ingredients."

"Why would I need anything else?" Ed asked as the circle lit blue beneath his hand. 

The Director could smell the moment the lead became gold, purer than a third smelting. The impurities burned in the blue light before it faded. They licked dry lips and spoke severely, "Promise me, Edward, on your name and your brother, on your hope of home, that you will not do this again, except under writ of Gringotts' authority."

"Sure. I promise. Look, if it's that much of a problem, I can turn it back." Ed raised a hand to place it back on the circle. His arm was blocked by a spear and the glare of a guard. "Or, I suppose I could sit quietly with my hands in my lap while the Director takes this gold as a gift of my regard." He spoke and settled back slowly. 

The guard carefully broke the circle in multiple places with the butt of their spear, and stepped to the center without touching the remaining lines. The new gold was lifted reverently and carried to the Director. 

A multi lens loupe was held out and the guard left as the Director examined it carefully. Another guard arrived with a different goblin that looked older than mountains. They spoke at length in their language, obviously an argument. Ed caught an occasional word - alchemy, traveller, again, dangerous, contract.

"I'm sorry to interrupt, but I'm guessing that our alchemy is actually very different than this world's?" Al spoke from Ed's pendant. 

The Director waved a hand, "The best they usually manage here is poisonous, useless, or both. There's one recorded instance of a philosopher's stone, held by the Gringotts in France. False copies are occasionally lent out to muddy the trail."

The ancient goblin pointed and spoke angrily. 

"No thank you, my soul is intact. But we are looking for a sundered soul, as part of our passage home." Al replied.

"How do you know our language?" Growled the ancient goblin in English. 

"Is it a different language? It just sounds like heavily accented Amestrian to me. Brother? Do you understand it?" Al tried to peer at Ed's face, but could only see his chin from where he lay.

Ed shook his head, "I can maybe understand one word out of a dozen. No more than that. Something I just noticed though. Is anyone else seeing the kid's scar glowing a sinister green? Just me?"

"What are you doing?" Harry hissed.

"A favor," replied Ed, then addressed the room at large. "If you promise not to perforate me, I think I can fix it. Anyone have a rag? I need a different circle for this."

"No seriously, what the hell?" Harry protested loudly and stood abruptly. He held his hands up in the universal gesture of surrender when he found himself surrounded by guards holding various weapons. One overeager guard almost gave him a nose piercing with the sweep of their spear. 

"Ooh, language." Edward was finished clearing the slab and was now industriously drawing the human transmutation circle. Al whimpered from his frame and Ed tried to hold it reassuringly.

Harry tried to glare at Ed without moving, "You've said worse, less than 15 minutes ago, in front of a foreign sovereign!"

"And I can also turn lead into gold and yank the foreign soul out of your skull. What can you do?" Ed asked as he finished the last symbols. 

"Apparently, not die! I'm actually famous for it, stopped a war and everything." Harry bit back.

"Sounds great! You should practice that again and come lie down in this circle." Ed gestured with his flesh hand.

"I don't trust you and I'm doing this under protest." Harry said as he lay carefully down on the cold slate, folding his taped glasses in his hand.

"Duly noted. Lie still and close your eyes. This could get bright. If you see yourself in a white plain, ask for nothing and wait for us, we should be right there. I cannot emphasize this enough, DO NOT GO THROUGH THE GATE." 

Ed looked around at the horde of goblins, "Everyone ready? Once the light starts, do not interfere, do not break the circle, and above all, if things get weird, please don't kill us." Ed nodded to himself and whispered "hold tight Al" before touching his hand to the circle.

Ed found himself facing Truth again and moaned "fuuuuck" under his breath. 

Harry was hopefully unconscious at Truth's feet and a ball of dingy smoke was being tossed from one hand (originally Ed's) to another. "A quick turnaround, Al-chem-ist. Less than a day to bring me the first, or rather the last, piece. Pitiful thing, isn't it?" Truth held it up by a greasy tendril, "You're right that a soul shouldn't look like this, by the way. The first owner took poor care of it, slashed and stabbed his own soul to pieces in an attempt to live forever. Didn't work, of course, just drove him ever more evil and mad. You'll see him again soon." 

Truth nudged Harry with an empty toe, "This one arrived already sleeping, so no toll for him. His mother's protection remains a little longer, strengthened with the shard removed. It would be stronger still in a house that loved him." 

Ed shook his head, "I have absolutely no clue what the fuck you're talking about. Can we go?"

"Weren't you listening, Al-Chem-Ist? Too bad if you missed it, off you go!" Truth's mocking laughter followed him through the Gate. 

Ed woke aching and slumped over as the circle dimmed. Harry woke like a ragamuffin princess when the light went out in the center.

"Am I okay? I don't feel any different, maybe a little lighter." Harry sat up and put his glasses back on.

"Lucky you." Ed snarled as he shakily broke the circle. "I think Al and I took the energy drain that wasn't picked up from the alchemy itself. Truth said you had the last piece stuck in you, so probably the smallest. Something about your mother's protection and a house that loved you strengthening it." Ed looked at Al napping in his frame and tucked it away, using his crutch to find his feet.

"I don't want to talk about it." Harry muttered sullenly. 

"I don't either, buddy. For now, let's see if we can wrap this up and go fucking school shopping. Yay. If we don't have time for Artifice alley I'm gonna bite someone." Ed was already tired of this day.

The Director smiled at them with too many teeth, "Yes, young ones, let's negotiate. We finance both of your schooling this year, assist in finding you both housing, and Edward Elric transmutes the equivalent of a single bar of gold every three days under contract."

Ed shook his head. "Full ride for seven years, incidentals not including gifts, contract begins after we all have established, stable, living arrangements, one bar of gold every month and a half." The gathered goblins hissed in either approval or disapproval.

"So you do bargain in your world. Wizards either take the first offer, or argue bad terms for too long. Very well. Seven years, no incidentals, contract begins with the school year, housing arranged by the end. One gold bar every three weeks with the option to catch up if necessary. Secrecy clause prevents contract terms from being spoken or known by any but the principals. Portkey to Gringotts included, and I don't let Grimclaw poke you with her sword." The Director grinned down at them.

"Which one's Grimclaw?" Ed asked. A goblin in an eyepatch with a sword almost as big as she was held it up. "That's a really good sword. Proposal accepted, where do I sign?" A goblin scribe handed over a roll of parchment they had just finished writing, which he read. It certainly wasn't Amestrian but the runes seemed to shimmer into meaning before his eyes. He put down the black quill for a moment to ask, "Any chance of bonuses to be later negotiated if my brother and I translate other languages on a part time basis?" 

The Director nodded and the scribe added it. Edward read the addition and signed, hissing as his signature scratched across the back of his hand. "The fuck was that?" He asked.

"Blood quill. Illegal except for use in contracts and Gringotts. Overuse may cause scarring and compulsion." The Director said absently as they read the signed scroll the scribe presented before signing themselves. 

"Fucking magic bullshit again," he said under his breath before saying louder, "Last question, what's a portkey?"

The Director tossed two copper coins at both boys, "This."

They automatically caught their coins and they felt like they were dragged through a speeding merry go round backwards by their bellybutton. It sucked, and they were fortunate to avoid throwing up.

When they could stand again, they found themselves in the bank lobby, staring at a surprised Hagrid. A goblin came up to Harry and asked "Coin?" Harry handed it over immediately. Ed offered his, but the goblin shook their head. "Elric keeps his. Terms of contract. Both boys' money pouches. Keys inside." A black pouch was handed to Ed, a green one to Harry. "Silk pocket inside for Elric, to keep from spending portkey accidentally. 3 galleon replacement. To use- hold and say 'bank'. Profit and honor." 

"Uh, profit and honor to you too," Ed replied, as the goblin walked away. "Okay, whatever. Are we done yet?"

"I really hope so," muttered Harry. "Hagrid, are you done?"

"I am... what happened back there?" Hagrid asked.

Ed hobbled towards the door, "Can't say, contract. Let's go."

~~

They did eventually get to Artifice Alley that day, after way too fucking long in a creepy wand shop. Harry finally got a wand, holly and unicorn hair. Ed got elm and phoenix feather. Neither was important, except that Ed kept forgetting to use his and defaulting to alchemy.

While Harry and Hagrid searched through another second hand store, Ed cornered a pair of artificers and revitalized the field of magical prosthetics along the lines of basic automail. He demanded the first prototypes and helped build the non-magical portions. He occasionally cheated with alchemy.

They did get to ride on Hagrid's shoulders at the end of the day. It really was a good vantage point. Ed dozed off at one point and woke being carried to the castle like a sack of potatoes. At least he wasn't being carried like a princess. He went back to sleep in the dusk.

~~Time to speed run first year

Harry gets stuck with his relatives the rest of the summer, but comforts himself that he'd be free after this year.

Meanwhile, at Hogwarts, Ed discovers clap alchemy with his improved arm. Al discovers that Hogwarts was sentient and he can talk to her. Dumbledore discovers existential dread and Snape develops a drinking problem. 

Ed floos to King's Cross station with the children of Hogsmeade so everyone can ride the Express. Ed decides that the train and the portal to it are the only forms of wizard travel that don't suck.

Harry and Ed reluctantly share a car. Ron asks about the scar, so Harry lifts his bangs to show it, almost faded to invisibility. Ron is unimpressed. Hermione still shows up, all nervous bossiness. Neville and Trevor, Malfoy being a prat, Ed almost punches him. Ron wishes he had.

Not many changes to the sorting. Ed goes to Ravenclaw. He decides to like Professor Flitwick for being shorter than him and probably part Goblin. Flitwick is cautiously optimistic. 

Dumbledore shuffles the schedule to give Ravenclaw and Griffindor more classes together. Potions is still Griffindor/Slytherin and Ravenclaw/Hufflepuff, because why wouldn't you have the most violent rivalry in the most dangerous class where your only safety equipment is gloves? Goggles are for sissies and so is effective teaching practices. Having your face melted off accidentally-on-purpose builds character. 

Troll still shows up, Harry, Ron, and Ed rescue Hermione. Ed traps the troll in a fist of rubble while the others back away.

Hagrid hatches a dragon, Ed wants to keep it. "No, brother," is Al's verdict. He does convince the castle to extend her borders a little so Norbert can have some room to run. 

There are a lot fewer dead unicorns because Norbert is not interested in allowing evil ghosts to hunt in her property. She won't hunt them herself, but nobody else can either. She does hunt the acromantula, to the centuar's quiet joy and Hagrid's eventual tears. She does not hunt centuar, because they are persuasive. 

The kids figure out that there's something hidden in Hogwarts and meet Fluffy. He tries to cuddle Ed, who does not need another bath, thanks. They figure out that Fluffy is guarding the philosophers stone, but when they bring their concerns to a teacher, they are told off, shrug and move on. 

Ed tries unsuccessfully to reproduce the Cloak. He finds it very frustrating. He soothes his feelings by filling Snape's office with highly detailed marzipan dicks. He has a circle for that, one crate of almond paste, boom. The house elves think Snape has a fetish, but shrug to themselves and tidy them away to an expanded box under his bed, if Potions Master should want them for later. Eventually, the boxes' expansion spells fail in the middle of one night, filling the Slytherin Common room. Crabbe and Goyle eat about two dozen each, are violently ill, and spend the first two classes sleeping off the sugar hangover. 

Fred and George adopt Ed.

"Do you two practice the twin speak?" He asks once.

"*No,*" they say in unison and then switch off every word, "but we always talked like this, once we talked at all."

"That's exhausting to watch," Ed commented, receiving mirrored shrugs.

Ed still helps with pranks occasionally, in his own personal style. 

Al looks on from a nearby frame, staying close to face height if they want to talk. He says painted food and drinks aren't too bad, but they're missing something from the real thing. Malfoy harasses Ed, who doesn't care what he thinks, but also Al's friends. He somehow keeps missing the connecting staircase on his way to class, two if someone actually cries. The teachers don't believe the stairs have a grudge against him. 

McGonnagal will tolerate Ed and Al during class only, plus once a month for tea and shortbread to discuss the differences between magical transfiguration and alchemy in Amestris. She's getting a thinkpiece in "Transfiguration Today" out of it. 

Flitwick is actually quite pleased. Every three weeks he schedules Ed for a study hall/consultation so he can use his portkey to fulfill his contract. Ed is also a genius in fields that interest him. He manages to teach Hermione some of his alchemy with the long form circles, soon gaining a small class of upper years. Dumbledore is expressly excluded, Ed finds out he knew about what happened to Harry. They're not friends, him and Harry, but Hermione likes him and that's enough. (They're friends but won't admit it.)

Quirrell approaches his expiration date much sooner, lack of unicorn blood, and eventually kidnaps Harry and Ed in March, since he can't get Harry alone. Harry still burns him but doesn't pass out this time, and Ed claps a circle that pulls Voldie in like a ghostbuster. A quick trip to the Gate, piece 6 is done. They stuff the probably fake stone in Ed's money pouch to give back the next time he goes to Gringotts. 

Stone, Headmaster Dumbledore? What stone?

The rest of the year passes uneventfully. 

Dumbledore tries to steal the House Cup from Slytherin at the ending feast, Harry and crew politely decline the last 10 points, leaving them tied.

McGonnagal is happy, Snape isn't. He has developed a severe almond allergy. 

At King's Cross, they part ways to their new homes with responsible adults.


End file.
